Jef's poem to Emily

As many of you know, I’m a huge Bachelor/Bachelorette fan. I’ve been watching religiously for about 5 years now. This season has southern belle Emily Maynard searching for love after she was chosen by Brad Womack in a previous season and the relationship went nowhere. I like her. I think she’s genuine. Plus, her teeth are like a perfect pack of Chicklets. I can’t take my eyes off them.

She's down to three dudes, but there’s only one I want to see her engaged to.

Jef Holm. SWOON. Is this guy for real? He literally makes my heart melt. (Sorry Tim!)

Soft spoken. Humanitarian. Entrepreneur. Religious. Stylish. Tight pants. Rad hair. WRITES POETRY. (Stalk him Follow him on Instagram for some daily eye candy: @jefholm)

I know, I know, it’s a TV show. But if he’s acting, he is THE greatest actor of all time and I’d rank him up there with Tom Hanks in the romantic-comedy genre. But please, just let me continue living in my little Bachelor/Bachelorette fantasy world where everyone is represented accurately and true love is possible. Thank you kindly.

During the last episode (home town dates), Jef penned this little ditty for Emily. Women across the country collectively sighed. Then hit rewind and sighed some more.

I got bored and transcribed Jef’s letter to Emily for you. You’re welcome.

Men… pay attention. This is how it’s done.

Jef: I wrote down a bunch of stuff, and I want to read it to you.

You and I have one of those relationships that just comes easily.

From the first time I met you there was a unique connection.

That the only words I can use to describe it is meant to be.

As we spent the last little while traveling the world together, I’ve gotten to know so much about you.

I’ve realized I’m completely in love with everything about you.

I love the way you smile.

I love the way you grab my hand and hold it.

I love how good of a person you are.

I love how passionate you are about helping others.

I love how good of a mom you are.

I love that you want a cute little family, hopefully with me.

I love how you chase your dreams and I love how you want to make the world a better place.

I love how funny you are and how funny we are together.

I love how you fit in my arms.

I love the thought of going to sleep next to you and waking up to those big brown eyes every morning.

I’m so excited to meet Ricki.

I’ll teach her how to play sports and I’ll cheer her up when she’s sad and laugh with her when she’s funny.

And I’ll be there for her.

I wanna show her how to fall in love and have a love story that lasts forever, because I’ll love you forever.

Most of all, I’m completely and hopelessly in love with you.

Emily, do the right thing. Pick Jef and make me the happiest fan in the world.

The Bachelor & other stuff

 I did a few Bachelor recaps & people liked them. And then I stopped.

I was literally taking pages of notes during each episode like a good little student and I realized it was taking away from my Bachelor-watching experience.

However, I do feel compelled to make a few comments about last nights episode since it's getting down to the wire. He sent Ashley home (because when she talked about her future, she didn't consider Brad at all) and in 2 weeks we'll find out if he proposes to Emily (sweet southern blonde, traumatic past, 5-year-old daughter) or Chantal (curvy brunette, rich family, down-to-earth, very in love with Brad).

It REALLY irritates me that we have to wait 2 weeks and watch the stupid reunion show in the meantime. The girls will just b*tch about who they didn't like in the house and crazy Michelle will talk more about her black eye. But I will watch it.

You win, ABC, you always do.

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Tonight I'm going to start taking pictures of my apartment for a future post.

I'll let your mind wander...

And I want to document our current place as much as possible since we might not be living there much longer. Hi-oh! Big changes are a-comin'.

No, we're not buying a house (yet).

I think only rich people can afford houses these days.

At least where we live.

Thanks, housing market.

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Check out Joy's sweet apron!

She was one of the giveaway winners.

I feel bad that it's all wrinkled though.

I should have rolled it & mailed it to her in a poster tube or something.

Mental note...

Let's Talk Bachelor: Episode 3

Didn't watch it yet? Well, hurry up!

You know you have a snow (ice) day today, and you don't have anything better to do.

Or maybe you're at work like me, in which case, you have my empathy.

Let's face it. This season would be totally boring if it weren't for Michelle. Although, now she's just coming off as more desparate than crazy. I feel sorry for her. She's 30, she has a kid, and she wants a husband in the worst way. The other girls? Let's just say they aren't her biggest fans. A few of them mentioned that they actually avoid her! Too funny.

At the beginning of the episode, I noticed how terrible most of the girls look without makeup on. They get SO done-up for their dates. They must have professional makeup artists & hair stylists on set. They have to.

First one-on-one date

Ashley S.

I've liked her from the beginning when she got the first impression rose. She's the cute nanny with the southern accent. Looks like the girl next door. Clearly, Brad digs it.

Brad takes her to Capitol Records where they recorded, er, attempted to record "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal. They stunk it up, but then got to see Seal sing the real thing. Ashley opens up to Brad about her father passing away and the irony of "Kiss from a Rose" being their special song. Then he gives her the rose during their rooftop dinner because she makes him feel comfortable. Is it just me, or are they ALWAYS on various roofs?

Side note: Girlfriend knows how to dress! Those black leggings & coordinating flowy top looked awesome on her.

The Group Date

Love Hurts

Before the date even begins, Michelle is all emotional because she doesn't want to share Brad with the other girls. Well then why did you come on this show?!

The ladies arrive to the set of an action movie that they'll be filming in matching, sporty attire. They were clearly forced to wear these outfits.

[Photo Credit: ABC]

They warm up and then practice scenes where they beat people up to rescue Brad. Some of them aren't keen on the idea of breaking a sweat & one of the women complains that "pit stains are not hot." Touche.

Shawntel stands out as the best butt-kicker & Brad takes notice. Perhaps this is because she kept going off-script to makeout with him.  Michelle cries to the camera crew some more and then says she wants her first kiss with Brad to be real. And slippery. (Vomit).

After the filming the group goes to yet another pool (probably on a roof) and they all jump in with their clothes on. Then somehow... they're all in bathingsuits. Camera magic. Brad kisses Chantel O. after she talks about her Dad passing away. Michelle acts like a total creeper by sneaking up on Brad & Alli when they have their one-on-one time. Then when she finally gets him alone, she runs a guilt trip on him about how hard it is being a single mom and they make out.

[Photo credit: ABC]

"Pretty soon it'll just be me & Brad in Tahiti, practicing making babies." (Michelle)

Brad ends up giving the rose to Shawntel & Michelle is not pleased.

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Back at the house, Emily brings the girls not on the group date to tears with the story of her fiance dying in a plane crash & finding out she was pregnant shortly after. And of course I cried. Again.

The girls compare Emily to an "Itsy bitsy Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Teresa." Exactly.

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Second one-on-one date

Emily

[Photo credit: ABC]

Brad takes Emily (on a plane, oh the irony!) to wine country and they have a boring afternoon chatting. Brad asks her a lot of personal questions, which she completely avoids. Then they head into a beautifully decorated barn for a romantic, candlelit dinner. Emily finally opens up & shares her story. (Cue me crying for the third, possible fourth time over this story). Brad is very sweet and claims that it makes him like her even more. She doesn't seem to believe this. (Neither do I).

They share a nice, sweet kiss and Brad tells us that he could see himself ending up with her.

Cocktail Party

Before the cocktail party, Brad's therapist pays him a visit and they talk about being vulnerable, open & making the girls feel comfortable.

Brad is extra pumped for this cocktail party and it's pretty uneventful until Madison pops out her fangs and tells Brad she's thinking about leaving. He can tell she's just not feelin' it and is quick to tell her that if she wants to leave, she should. Ouch.

Michelle scores another chat with Brad and starts the convo off by saying "We're in a fight." Umm, is this the 8th grade? She tells him that she's mad that he's kissing other girls and doesn't want him to pursue anyone else. Hello, it's a dating show! Much to my dismay, Brad totally digs it. He's into her psycho, territorial ways. Whatev.

Ashley H. (who had the very first one-on-one date) is a little bummed out and tells Brad that if he doesn't like her, just send her home now. He makes out with her. You know, to reassure her and everything. Totally normal.

Final Rose Ceremony



[Photo credit: ABC]

Brad gives roses to Michelle, Chantel O. and then Madison interrupts and walks off set. Brad follows her and she tells him she's leaving. She says the show is more difficult than she thought it would be, and thinks other girls deserve to find love more than her. It was kinda sad. I felt bad for the girl.

Brad hands out the rest of the roses and sends home Kimberly & Sarah P.

Kimberly is all "I can go home and get a guy in 5 minutes." Well then, why didn't you just do that in the first place? Sarah P. is really upset. Tears. Eye-makeup running. The whole deal.

I hope this season gets more dramatic... I'm kinda getting bored.

Tim was clearly bored the entire time.

Let's Talk Bachelor: Episode 2

MEOW!

The Bachelor is already cat fight central, but Brad put a swift end to that last night by eliminating the two feuding ladies. I was proud of him. If you're too wrapped up in dissing each other, you're obviously not picturing Brad shirtless like you should be.

The first individual date was given to Ashley H. who I really like. She's cute, fun, and how adorable was that silver & yellow dress? It said I'm futuristic but fancy free. Brad & Ashley (can I call you Ash?) had their very own carnival... all to themselves. Am I the only one who thinks this would be a little awkward? Good thing they had cotton candy & white wine to break the silence. And a ferris wheel to makeout on.

Brad gets real introspective during an interview and states,

"I like this girl. I like this girl a lot."

She gets the rose.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the 19 gals left behind FREAK OUT when the next date card arrives. The first group date invites 15 girls to film public service accouncements for the American Red Cross. Naturally, each skit requires skanky costumes and a ton of makeout scenes. Including a threesome on a bed with Brad.

Umm... yeah.

During the entire first group date, Michelle (the birthday girl, above), won't stop whining about how it's her 30th birthday (not her 29th, not her 31st, her 30th) and how she should get one-on-one time with Brad simply for that reason. Then she hijacks the camera crew by storming off during Red Cross scene filming, and of course Brad follows her & her gargantuan turquoise necklace.

Later that night, when the 15 ladies and Brad are having a private roof-top pool party (naturally), Michelle takes Brad aside and get's all serious with him. She says deep things like "You have walls" and asks "What's your greatest fear?"

Michelle of course gets the rose. Then stares creepily at everyone while waving the rose around in the pool. What was THAT all about?

Brad chooses Jackie (who I also love) for his second individual date. He gives her the "pretty woman experience" complete with spa treatments, a room of designer gowns to choose from, a hair & makeup artist and Neil Lane diamonds. They take a town car to a live music venue, eat dinner on stage and then whata ya know... they get a live performance from Train.

Are these dates getting predictable or what? I remember Jake & Ali doing the same thing. They kissed. Nothing too memorable about the date. They're both good looking, so of course they're going to have a great time. She gets the rose.

During the cocktail party on elimination night, it's Raichel v. Melissa, round 14, ding ding ding! And neither of them will stop crying. Ladies, when you cry, you look so unattractive & all your eye makeup comes off. Guys don't like hearing about your drama.

Michelle, who I'm starting to think is mentally unstable, pulls Brad aside during the cocktail party to ask him some pressing questions. We learned that he prefers Starbucks over the Coffee Bean and that he keeps his fridge stocked with eggs, turkey & water.

Wowza.

Oh and I almost forgot! Ali & Roberto (my faves!) came back to meet with each of the ladies and dish the dirt to Brad. They seem to really like Emily (has a daughter, sad past) and Brad ends up giving her a rose before the elimination.

[How cute are they?!]

Raichel, Melissa & Keltie get sent home. Keltie (the radio city rockette) is super bummed and proclaims that she's giving up on love. I predict a lot of fan mail headed her way from dudes who like a girl with a mean high kick.

Until next Monday...

Let's Talk Bachelor: Episode 1

First, I don't want to spoil it for anyone, so here are the links to the full episode on Hulu.

Second, a quick note to people who mock Bachelor & Bachelorette fans.

We know it's not 100% real. Nothing on TV is. It's drama. It's hilarious. It's shocking. It's like living in a cheesy romance novel at times. We love it. Get over it.

Recap & Commentary

Brad Womack: changed man, king of soul-searching, 3 years of therapy, his actual therapist confirms, daddy issues, envious of his brother's happy lives, self-proclaimed "luckiest guy on the planet" for getting a second chance at love, really really really buff, kind of has ape arms

DeAnna & Jenny (first surprise!): talk about holding a grudge! both are now engaged/married, say they are supportive of Brad but are skeptical that he really is a changed man

The 30 Ladies: lots of ashley's & sarah's, a few divorced women, a few single mom's, a manscaper, a funeral director & embalmer, a model who likes to wear fangs (or are they her actual teeth?), a lot of fake boobs, bleached hair & southern accents

Second Surprise: the ladies supposedly don't know the bachelor is Brad! However, most of them just happen to know catchy things to say to him as soon as they step out of the limo. Hmmm...

Quotes of the Night

"Wow! This is gonna be an interesting season!" - Tim

"Finding a boyfriend is like finding a great pair of shoes" - One of the 30 hopefuls

Weirdest Outfit: short black dress with crazy pink platforms (she's in fashion, I get it, still weird considering most of the attire was evening gowns)

Cutest Outfit: the girl from Kansas who wore sparkly, red pumps (ruby slippers, get it?)

My first tears of the season: when we met the girl who's former husband, Ricky, died in a plane crash. Shortly after, she found out she was pregnant. Named her daughter after her husband. (I'd also like to thank her for not telling Brad this depressing story on night 1)

He sent 10 home last night. They all cried. Either because they wanted to fall in love with Brad, or because they have to go back to their regular jobs. Or both.

Leave me a comment with your thoughts about the season premier!

Let's Talk Bachelor: Preseason

A few seasons ago, Brad Womack captured my heart. And then he ripped it out of my chest when he didn't pick either of the two remaining women.

Last season, Jake Pavelka found love. We thought. He accused her of cheating on him. They broke up. And then he verbally assaulted her on live television and they trashed one another in the tabloids.

Who is worse?

It's a rhetorical question. Clearly, Jake! And that's why I'm not opposed to seeing Brad come back for another chance at love. I even set a reminder in my iPhone calendar that the season premier is TONIGHT @ 8 PM ON ABC! That's how pumped I am!

I actually hate the first show of the season though. I can't keep track of all the women. They all look the same and they do stupid things to make a first impression. But after a bunch of them are eliminated right away, it gets goooood.

Let the cat fights begin. Meow!

P.S. I can absolutely guarantee you that Tim will be watching with me. He always puts up a fight at first, and then ends up picking a favorite and gossiping about the show with me! Hehehe.

P.P.S. I will of course be recapping the show & my thoughts every week!